… your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
… you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
… you’ve ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
… you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn’t seen the light of day in ten years, but you don’t know where your own vacuum cleaner is.
… you’ve ever appeared in or worked on a production of Love, Sex and the IRS, or any other show written by Van Zandt and Milmore.
… you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army.
… you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall.
… you’ve ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
… you’ve ever said, “Don’t worry – we’ll just hot glue it.”
… you’ve ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.
… you’ve ever seriously considered not doing in the murder victim because the gunshot might wake up the audience.
… you name your son Samuel and tell him that his middle name is in honor the French side of the family.
…you’ve ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the running time under four and a half hours.
… your lighting director has ever missed a cue because he was blinded by the glare from the sea of bald heads in the audience.
… you’ve ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder mystery where half the cast spoke with southern accents.
… you’ve ever called for a line — in front of an audience.
… your children have ever begged you not to buy them any more Happy Meals.
… you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius.
… you’ve ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience.
… you’ve ever gotten a part because you were the only guy who showed up for auditions.
… the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw you taking out the trash before the show.
… you’ve ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape.
… you’ve ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels.
… you’ve ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels – and you’re a guy.
… you’ve ever played the father of someone your father’s age.
… your kids know your lines better than you do.
… your kids SAY your lines better than you do.
… you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theater because you forgot your kids.
… you’ve ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first.
… you’ve ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was really drunk.
… you’ve ever heard a director say, “Try not to bump into the furniture,” and mean it.
… you’ve ever appeared on stage with people you’re related to.
… you’ve ever heard the head of the set construction crew say, “Just paint it black – no one will ever see it.”
… your mother has ever greeted you after a performance with the words “Don’t give up your day job.”
… you’ve ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
… the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the stage because the floor’s still wet — five minutes before curtain.
… you’ve ever been told your director has no eyebrows because he handled special effects for the last show.